I was driving today and was overwhelmed with the feeling of time literally flying by me.
Now, yes, I do drive fast. But that wasn't it. It was much deeper than that. It was a realization that time is marching forward, with or without me.
It started when I said good morning to Claire. She was in her room, listening to music. This is something she does now. She sits, in her room, listening to music or reading or doing things that resemble a "pre-teen" way too much! That was the first "time flash", as we'll come to call them now.
Next came my goodbye to Claire. "Bye baby, I love you. You'll do great on your ITBS today, it's reading. No problem. Just relax, you're a reader, you'll be fine. Read the questions carefully and you'll be fine." Claire, looking at me with an all-too-knowing smile, "yea, mom, I know." Time flash #2. My daughter is taking the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. I'm sorry, but I remember taking those and it wasn't that long ago! (stop laughing, I'm not that old!)
After that, I said goodbye to my sweet Ella. She was in bed, sick again. But, even in sickness, she is growing up so much. She is so caring. With a fever so high for the last 4 days she can hardly move, she still managed to make homemade Valentines for me. Love that kid.
Time flash #3 came as I was getting ready to leave. I opened the car door to put Avery in, but she climbed in herself. You see, she's in a booster seat now. Why? Because she's potty trained. Yes, that's right. I have been changing diapers for over 9 years. I have been lugging a diaper bag, never leaving home without wipes for 9 years and now nothing. Well, an extra change of clothes in a plastic bag, but no diapers!
So, Avery climbs into her seat by herself and we're off. As I back out of the driveway I ask Avery if she wants her movie. (Side note: Avery always wants her movie. Since the day she discovered we had a TV in the car, she's wanted a movie. This is a rhetorical question in our car.) Anyway, I ask her if she wants her movie, as I'm leaning over to turn it on and she says, "no mom. I'm just going to sit back and relax." And that is exactly what she did! For the 20 minute drive to Ankeny, she just sat in her butterfly booster seat, looking outside and occasionally asking a question. Time Flash! When did my baby grow up to relax? Where did the whining, I want TV, entertain me baby go?
Over the last several weeks I have been relishing in my new found "freedom". I have no kids in diapers. I have no kids in child safety seats. I don't have to carry a big bag around if I don't want to. I have no high chair, no baby monitor, no crib. I have no baby.
I have been enjoying this freedom that comes from children growing up and growing independent. But, I want to be careful. That freedom comes at a cost. I can't get those years back. I can't break out the high chair when my big girl won't eat her dinner. I can't break out the crib when my big girl won't go to bed when I want her to. I can't break out the baby monitor when my big girl spends the night away from home at a sleepover. My freedom comes at a cost.
I have to trust that as my babies grow up and grow independent, they will also grow strong.
Strong in faith, strong in integrity, strong in kindness and strong in responsibility. I have to learn how to parent a child, instead of a dependent baby. I have to learn how to balance the art of letting go, while still be close enough to offer a shoulder or ear whenever they need it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the freedom. But, I don't want to love it too much. I don't want to take for granted the nights Claire wants to snuggle, or Ella wants to read together, or Avery want to play puppies. I don't want to miss opportunities to be needed and listened to and depended on.
I can't stop time. I can't stop these "time flashes" from sneaking up on me and knocking me on my behind. But, I can slow down. I can take the time to snuggle, or read, or play. I can choose to enjoy the moment, watch for the good, and sneak in late at night and watch them 'sleeping like babies'!
Proverbs 22:6 - Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.
